Our family’s story

My name is Valerie, and I connected with Daisy on Twitter in early 2021. We have remained in touch through her journey to help in the conviction of her birth father and her campaign to recognise children born in rape as victims in the criminal justice system. 

I have two adult daughters and three grandchildren. I am the Special Guardian (SG) for my granddaughter Lucy. You can apply to be a SG when a child cannot live with their parents and adoption is not right for them. It is an alternative to the child being placed in the care of children's services which we did not even want to consider. My granddaughter Lucy is a child born from rape, my daughter Sarah is her mother.

My relationship with my daughter Sarah is up and down. Sarah can be volatile at times and had significant mental health challenges including trauma. At times of great difficulty, she will seek me out support, but it is a complex relationship us. 

Sarah was a tricky teenager. She could be oppositional and wanted to leave home at 16 so was therefore  accommodated by social care and I continued to remain in touch and support her.

Since the birth of Lucy her mental health has declined significantly. Sarah was only 18 years old when she gave birth and had been the victim of domestic abuse prior to her pregnancy. As Sarah wasn't living at home, I did not know the extent of what she was experiencing and the perpetrator (that's how we refer to him) had total control of her communication with me and would listen into calls, take her phone etc.

I found out the extent of Sarah's victimisation and pregnancy when I was contacted by her keyworker who needed me to meet them and Sarah at a police station. Sarah had escaped from a flat having been falsely imprisoned. I supported Sarah in her police interviews; she didn't disclose anything about the sexual violence she had been subject to. It was only after I spoke to her later and found out that Sarah had been a victim of rape. She couldn't bring herself to use the word.  I contacted the police, and she was interviewed the next day to inform them of her disclosure. We attended a SARC (sexual assault referral centre) where a pregnancy test was completed and the positive result cane back; she was very early on in the pregnancy. At this appointment the police also made contact to say the perpetrator was now released. Sarah was in total shock, both about the pregnancy, and in fear of the perpetrator who was now released and a risk to her – and to all of us. In relation to the pregnancy the doctor spoke immediately about her having a termination, there was no discussion at about her continuing the pregnancy of even needing time to think about what she wanted to do. It was assumed a termination was what she should do. 

Soon after this Sarah began to have seizures and said she just wanted to run away.  Sarah was referred to a counsellor, so attended some sessions.  I found the police ineffective. They did not find Sarah a place of safety. Instead, I had to make arrangements for her to stay with family friends, before returning to her home sometime later. 

Time drifted on and I feel Sarah wanted to have control of her body, which was the one thing she did have control of at this time. Sarah did not seek to have a termination, I can't recall her even bringing this up. She just couldn’t talk about the trauma she had been through. From my point of view, it was completely up to Sarah to make a choice about what she wanted to do about the pregnancy because myself and my other daughter would support her with the decision she made. The counsellor had fed back that she felt my daughter had bonded with the pregnancy, so it was positive that Sarah had been able to speak to someone if not me about how she felt about having the baby.

 It was a difficult pregnancy for Sarah physically and in terms of her mental health. She still would not discuss the domestic abuse she had experienced. I think even now she is not able to face the trauma she has been through.  As the pregnancy went on, her family bought all the necessary items, Sarah bought a couple of things herself. 

I recall that when the baby was born, she had the perpetrators features but now Lucy looks very much like her mother. Prior to the birth I did have worries about the baby being a boy and had some worries about genetic inheritance. The conception didn’t weigh down on me, but those thoughts did come and go. When Lucy was born I her loved from the moment she arrived, she was just Lucy, an innocent baby.  After some weeks of Sarah struggling with Lucy's care, including being placed in a mother and baby unit, a meeting took place with social care. It was decided that Lucy should live with me. It felt like a dump and run. There was no support or advice. There was also no discussion about prosecuting the perpetrator for the rape. I feel the police mishandled the case in relation to the false imprisonment and so were not even considering a rape charge. But I feel that Sarah would not have been able to go through with a prosecution. During the proceedings for the SG Order the judge requested information to be shared on the perpetrator. There was a litany of charges, allegations and arrests in relation to violence against women, however there was no prosecution for what he did to Sarah. He is out there, still a risk to girls and women.

I have now cared for Lucy for over 8 years, and I am very aware that she has pre-birth developmental trauma and lack of adequate care and nurture post birth followed by the separation from Sarah. Lucy is a child who is not neurotypical, and she does have additional needs. She's quirky. I love her. She's so sweet and just a lovely girl.

I recognises at some stage I will need to speak to my daughter about the perpetrator so that there is consistency about what we tell Lucy, when and how. All I can do is gauge when the most appropriate time to give her information will be.  I have in my mind that 18 years old may be appropriate as I know she will be able to access her social care files. I will just need to see how Lucy develops. I do wonder if the separation from her mother will be more of Lucy's focus. Currently Lucy talks about wanting to live with her mother and as she gets older will continue to try and make sense of her circumstances.  

I would absolutely seek guidance and support around speaking to Lucy about her history when it feels appropriate and Lucy is ready and wanting this information. I contacted a sexual violence support service some time ago and they could not help me.  They suggested I start my own support group. Where do people go? It's just not spoken about. I would love to know that there was a service I could access as Lucy's guardian.

I would support Lucy in whatever she wanted to do in relation to her finding information about her birth history and speaking to her about it. I feel everyone is here for a reason and I do feel there's a positive path for Lucy, and I hopes she makes an impact on the world. I want her to know that regardless of how she came into the world and her subsequent experiences, these don't define her. I really want Lucy to be able to seek support in the future from people who have insight and their own experience of being born from rape. I want her to have the opportunity to meet others with her experience and know she is not alone and that she has somewhere to go.

I just feel so sad that Sarah is held back in her life due to the trauma she has experienced. She now lives a lifestyle where at times she is putting herself at risk and will go through periods of self-medicating with alcohol and drugs. She has expressed to me that the worst has happened to her, so she doesn't care if she lives or dies.

Lucy and Sarah do have contact, they see each other, and Lucy loves spending time with her mum. She can call her at any time. When I spoke to Sarah about Daisy's Law, she said that had nothing to do with Lucy, that Lucy was fine and that she went through what she did and unless someone has been through it, no one will understand. She just can’t speak any further about her experiences and  the potential impact on Lucy

I feel there should be support for women who are pregnant and undecided about whether to keep the baby or not; unbiased advice that can support women to make the right decision for themselves. Women need to hear from others who have been through this, not to coerce a decision, but just to share their own experiences.